Content Amidst the Chaos

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A break January 2, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — jps23 @ 10:45 am

Funny thing about this title…I typed it in to explain the little break (I know, only two days) I took in blogging over the New Year’s holiday, but it also reminded me of 0ur first “break” in carrying and having another kid.  After S3 was born, we were dealing with some stuff with S2.  S3 was born in June, and just two months later, S2 received her autism diagnosis.  Now, before we got the official papers, we were heavy in therapy and working through testing and evaluations.  Our Babies Can’t Wait program in our county we lived in at the time was phenomenal.  They didn’t wait on the diagnosis to take action.  They addressed the symptoms they saw in the child and went from there.  So that is what consumed our lives at that point.  Finding out what it all meant.  Understanding her therapy.  Balancing the other two amidst that particular chaos.  Now, you might think that we created the spacing between S3’s pregnancy and the next one, but it was not our doing.  We didn’t time or space or try to prevent.  We honestly didn’t reduce the frequency in our “relations.”  We truly feel like God gave us that space because we needed it.  So we move into the following summer and I was experiencing some pregnancy symptoms.  I took a test while my best friend was over, who was also pregnant (with twins!), and it was positive, but I had an uneasy feeling.  Kind of unsettled, not about being pregnant, but just not feeling like things were right.  I talked myself through these different kinds of feelings I was experiencing, only to lose the baby at 7 weeks.  I was devastated, crushed, and hurt.  Why would my God give me a baby and then take it away before I even got a chance to know it?  It made no sense to me, but Superman reminded me that we had to trust.  If we could trust Him in the children he blessed us with, we had to trust that He knew what He was doing now.  I dragged myself out of bed and went to my Bible study that night, only to be met with a message completely relevant to me in that moment.  Not too soon after that, my pregnant friend learned that she had miscarried one of the twins.  Now, I’m not saying God zapped my baby because He had a plan to take one of hers, and I’m not saying that anything I said or did was responsible for her getting through her experience, but I felt like I could better relate in some ways because of what I had been through.  God used my circumstances to provide some understanding in her circumstance, and it was a gift to me.  He allowed me to be there for my friend in a way I couldn’t have been had I not experienced my loss.  She continued to carry the surviving twin to term, and he is a healthy, active four-year-old boy today!  I got pregnant right after my loss and had S4 just five months after she had her son.  Wow, I am constantly amazed at God’s timing, especially when I sit and allow myself to be reminded of how it’s affected my life.  He constantly assures us that He knows what He is doing.

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One Response to “A break”

  1. Catherine Says:

    I felt the same way with the pregnancy I lost before Boden. I went in to the ultrasound knowing there would be no heartbeat, sure enough, the baby had passed about a week before according to the measurements. It was devastating to me, but has helped me understand loss, and enjoy Boden tenfold.


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