Content Amidst the Chaos

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How it all started December 30, 2010

Filed under: babies,family size — jps23 @ 10:33 am

First of all, I’m over the code names when I blog.  It’s hard enough keeping their real names straight (totally kidding), so I will lessen the complication of blogging by using our real names from now on.  I know lots of people that do and no one has come a snatched their children yet, or husbands, though mine is pretty awesome, so I better keep an eye on him once you know his true identity.

In the previous post I mentioned that when Adam and I were high school sweethearts, we had a picture of family that included four children with three years between each of them.  That sounds crazy to me now, having a new baby with a kid who is twelve, but we may get to that point one day anyway doing things the way we do now!  We both loved kids and we knew we wanted a “large” family.  So, we went off to college, got married after my freshman year, delayed having children using the method where I chart my cycles and used barrier methods when necessary (i.e. when I was fertile based on the charting), graduated, and got “real” jobs.  Shortly after graduating, we began talking about starting our family.  We really wanted children, but we were nervous about the perfect timing.  We prayed about it, decided to “try” by not using any barrier methods and going for it when the chart said I was fertile.  We had decided to do this one month, and if it didn’t work, then it was God’s sign to us that it wasn’t time.  That sounds crazy now, knowing how slim the chance is for conception to occur (according to science), but it was the way we rationalized things at the time.

It was toward the end of my first year of teaching that we decided to stop preventing pregnancy.  I don’t know the exact time frame on when we stopped avoiding the fertile time of the month or refrained from using any barriers, but either way, we found out we were pregnant the week of our fourth wedding anniversary and Adam’s 24th birthday.  We were so excited!!!!!  The pregnancy was divine.  I felt great, and trekking up and down the stairs to the basement, where my classroom was located kept me in great shape.  I avoided caffeine and all the other things that were bad for me, and I counted every week and milestone in the baby’s development.  She was born on April 29th with no complications, and she was healthy and just plain perfect.  This was it.  That desire I had in my heart as long as I can remember to have children was finally met, and it felt good.  I was in love.

The glare is my computer screen. It's a picture of a picture.

In the meantime, Adam was working for a public accounting firm in Atlanta.  He had to drive all over the state of Georgia auditing banks, and he worked crazy late hours.  I stayed home with our first born love, and it was bliss.  His time at work was tough, and his work never felt done.  It was very stressful, and I began to ask him to consider getting a new job.  He said he would, but he had to do it carefully and when he had time.  If you know Adam, he says he will do a lot of things, but it takes him a little bit of time to put his plans into action.  Not criticizing, just stating fact.  And a hormonal, post partum momma’s time frame is a little different from his.  Then it happened.  I realized that I was pregnant for a second time when Addison was only four months old.

Now, when I say realize, I mean that literally.  I was at my mom’s house one afternoon and started experiencing some incredible cramping.  I was ovulating.  I could always tell when I was ovulating because of the cramping.  Without too much detail, I knew we had been intimate in recent days, and I just KNEW we were going to get pregnant again.  The appendix in my charting book had a section about how your evidence of your cycle changes when you are breastfeeding.  However, I had not read that part and believed the myth that if you are breastfeeding, you can’t get pregnant.  I was TERRIFIED!  But Adam, being so amazing, assured me that things would be fine no matter what the status of my fertility might be.  I don’t know if he believed it, but he convinced me.  A few days later, I took a test to find out that my assumption was right.  I was pregnant again.

The smile is a total cover for the fear I felt.

I cried.  Yep, I admit it.  I’ve even admit it to her, the one I cried over (which my mom thinks is awful, but I see purpose in it).  Adam continued to assure me, and at the time, I was very involved with a group of moms at my church through Mother’s Morning Out.  We’d drop our kids off for a few hours on Tuesday mornings and hang out, go to lunch, and enjoy an occasional book club discussion.  They were such a huge support for me, and one of them said to me one day, “Jamie, you are right.  You can’t do this.  But He can.  If you lean on Him, He will get you through.”  I know, it sounds like total cheesy church talk, but she was right.  It was my lifeline.  It was my turnaround point in the game.  It got me through.  I continued to urge Adam to look for a new job, but he was afraid to risk the security of great insurance and amazing pay when we were about to unexpectedly have a new baby.  He never told me ‘no’, but he dragged his feet on the issue.  It caused great strain in our marriage, but I think that my extreme hormonal state had something to do with the strain, too.  At the urging of Adam and my mom, I talked to my midwife about taking medication to help my imbalance.  That helped a great deal, but I still needed more of Adam home during the week, especially if I was about to be juggling two little babies!

I consider this particular situation one of the first major pieces of evidence that my friend was right, that God was taking care of us.  No one at the firm knew of my Adam’s desire to get a new job.  However, one of the managers in the firm approached him one day and said, “Hey, I know of a bank in your area that is looking to hire a controller and potential CFO.  You ought to look into it.”  Adam certainly didn’t have the drive that some of his coworkers had, so maybe it was evident that he wasn’t happy.  I don’t know.  Either way, he looked into it.  The day after Gillian was born, he was going in for his second interview, where he was offered the job on the spot.  The irony in this is that Gillian was born one month before she was actually due.  My water broke, and when that happens, there is no going back.  I think the timing, though, was a slap in our face so that we could see what He was doing.  When His plans are so very different from yours, sometimes it is hard to see His working because you get so caught up in this NOT being your plan.  God had a different plan for us than we did, but we were only beginning to discover what that plan was for us.

I was truly ecstatic in this moment. There was so much peace after she was born.

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