I was prepared to post tonight that I have come to a conclusion. I can’t do this again, at least not for a while. I’m very overwhelmed and feeling quite worthless these last two days, and I just don’t see how I can survive a pregnancy while parenting/raising/educating eight kids. Once they are here, it is truly no big deal. I had my brother’s three kids over yesterday for a visit, and it didn’t change a thing. Well, there was a little more mess, but there were also more hands to help, like when my nephews pulled my trash cans up the driveway so Adam didn’t have to when he got home after 10:00 from teaching his class at the college down the street. And, we will be having another c-section this time, which makes two in a row. How does that work for multiple pregnancies? Sometimes I wish I had Michelle Duggar’s phone number. She’s not my God, but I think she has a pretty direct connection with Him. She knows the Word, trusts it, and lives it so calmly and peacefully. I wouldn’t mind being her when I grow up, minus the long hair and denim skirts.
Anyhow, I had decided to post this, waiting only for the kids to finish watching their Magic School Bus video on my computer (that was school today- it’s been a rough two days). So I pull up my computer and open my Internet, where Facebook is my homepage. I see the news of a friend celebrating her second pregnancy directly posted on my wall. I shoot her a message through the inbox, offering her much congratulations and encouragement, and she writes back, with this line in her message…
“Actually being around your family put that desire of wanting a family!”
She grew up in a large family. She knows what my life is like. Yet it was spending time with my family that had a positive impact on her. I would never have dreamed it. Now, I know that doesn’t mean that I scratch the way I feel and ignore my hesitations, but this is where I feel torn. I feel like that in the moments I don’t think I can go on any longer and it’s time to retire the uterus, God sends me little messages and assurances. I don’t know if it is to convince me to continue to trust Him or just to remind me that He is there. But it gives me pause. I know that opening my womb to another child IS NOT a salvation issue. I know I won’t be banned to hell because I didn’t have 13 children or more. I just want to trust Him. I wonder if my overwhelm is a sign or evidence of a need for us to change some things. It’s just hard for me to believe that it is a sign that I’m supposed to interpret as Him saying “Don’t trust Me anymore. You know better than I do whether you need another kid.” I just told my brother last night that I haven’t ever heard a distinct voice of God. These are the places where I feel like He speaks to me. Moments, comments, and encouragement like this.
So, I had made up my mind. No more, at least for a little while, but then my friend went and said that. He’s at least got my attention. I revoke my made-up mind and will place it back in the realm of uncertainty and unknown for now. This is quite the journey.